I have never thought about my physical self until just recently. I always think about what I will do, or how I will be. Not that I am planing or trying to organise my life or anything (I hardly can do that), but just wondering what life would be. I just think about it as if I am looking out, wanting to see what will happen "around" me, not really about what will happen "with" me. I've hardly ever thought about, like what kind of health condition I will be in the future.
I would consider myself a healthy person. Just recently I got cold a couple of times that took sooo long to shake off. I didn't see it as a big deal, I thought it was because I didn't have enough sleep, staying late too many nights chatting with friends (over the internet), writing stupid stuff, etc. When we don't have enough rest, we are weak and prone to catch some virus. However, P'Siri who is a very close friend of mine commented I seemed to be sick very often lately.
P'Siri and I usually have lunch or dinner together every once in a while, and recently she was always the one who called me first, wanting to know where the heck I have hidden my head. And I had only two old, lame excuses, one is being too busy with work (or homework), and the other is getting bad cold. She said I needed a good rest and good exercise, and that I should take care myself better. I guess I still didn't think it was a big deal. It was just a cold.
A couple of weeks ago I read some article in Time Magazine about breast cancer. The story covered about the current state of mammogram technology. It said that the technology has been improved so much that now the very small abnormal cell can be pinpointed. This sounds like a very great thing, as for cancer, the sooner you find out the better chance you have. However, the article laid out the drawback I didn't think of before. They said that since not all the abnormal cells turn to cancer, many women live with those abnormal cells that never developed to cancer until the end of their lives, with growing pain and worry that they might turn to cancer one day. So they were just saying that, it might have been better off if those women didn't find out about it in the first place. I think this issue becomes the question of how far is too far. However, in the end the article concluded that women still need mammograms, no matter what. I agree, but still didn't think I could commit myself to have one in the near future. It seemed soooo torturing and unbearably painful for me the way they do it. Oh, well..
I didn't know what got into my mind after I read that article, but I just lied there in bed and started thinking… what if I got cancer or some life threatening disease… what will I do? I got really scared, so scared that I could feel the chill went down my spine. Then I think and think and think… I wasn't really scared about being sick or dying, I was just shocked and fear because I will never know what will happen "with" me really. It could be just around the corner, or it could be many many years from now. I felt kind of lost.
And then I just got myself together.. it is not all that bad or that scary. I think I have done a lot of things in my life that if I die tomorrow, I would not feel sorry. My life is not perfect, but I am generally happy about it. I win some I lose some, but I have lived it far beyond what I would have dreamt of when I was young. And I am grateful for everything I have had. I realised that I don't really worry about myself, but rather about people who care about me. I don't want my mom, my dad, my sister, or other people who care about me feel sad or sorry. I only want that if something happens to me, they will cope with it, and live on. I am sure they could, life has to go on, no matter what.
- Friday, Apr. 05, 2002
Recent entries:
::Thursday, Oct. 05, 2006 -
นินทาหัวหน้า
::Wednesday, Sept. 13, 2006 -
มุมมองคนอื่น
::Tuesday, Sept. 05, 2006 -
ว่าที่ฯ
::Monday, Jun. 19, 2006 -
รันทด
::Friday, Sept. 23, 2005 -
Raise
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others: