Boss decided to put me on this new project in China. He thought it would be good opportunity for me. Plus the work will be more challenging than the project I am now handling. He is going to assign another person in my level to carry on my current project, and move me to the China project as soon as it started.
I am not all that happy with my current project, but reluctant to move on the new one, because I am not sure if I am ready for it. Plus I feel sorry (and guilty) to the guy who I have to pass the baton to. My current project has a pretty big budget for us. But they aren’t good at cutting scope or planning, so we can’t keep many people on this project full-time.
In real situation, this project is more or less just me in solo, doing everything from checking design work, drafting, photocopying, getting technical info, etc. A lot of these tasks could have been done by any junior engineer, but they are sometimes working on other projects, the work can’t wait, someone has got to finish it NOW (me!)
I told the boss that I didn’t understand why moved me out to new project, and moved another guy who could have done this same job to my project. He could have assigned that other guy to the new China project, and keep me where I am. The boss thought that I was not comfortable with the new project. The fact is I am not comfortable ANYWHERE. I feel I have been put in the wrong position, somewhere beyond my qualification and self-confidence.
I told the boss that the other guy could have handled the new project just I could (i.e. I was not all that interested about this project, despite him mentioning a possible trip to Kansas City for kick-off meeting). This is the second time I tried to say no to his “proposed assignment.” The boss thought he never forced anyone to do what they were uncomfortable with, and always listened to opinion, but the truth is, he already made decision. I knew he would not take no as an answer, but I thought I would give it a try anyway. He ended up having another senior guy talked me into it.
And all day long I have been thinking about what and how I am going to do next. I kept thinking that that I was not ready yet for the kind of work the boss wanted me to do or thought I can do. He seems to believe that I have great potentials. I think he could have seen it wrong, but he thought that he might be seeing something that I didn’t know I possessed.
I have always thought I was too young or I have not had enough experience ever since I worked here. But today I started to think about it more carefully, and really think about what I am going to with my future, with my life, and what have I done and have experienced in the past. It came to my realization that I might not be as young and inexperienced as I have been thinking. I am already 30 (and 7 months, even worse, I am already 31 by Thai laws). I have been working for 7 years.
When I was in school, 30 is VERY OLD!! And think about my school friends who are now in engineering and construction field, they have been taking the responsibilities that I am going to experience for many years. So may be it is not as bad as I thought it would be. I will give it a try. Well, as if I have other choice!?! But at least now I made myself accepting the situation with a different mindset.
If I can’t get it to work, I will try harder. And after I try harder and still can’t get it to work, then I am REALLY not cut out to do it. And the potentials the boss think I possessing truly does not exist. And I will find other things and move on.
11:52 p.m. - Wednesday, Apr. 23, 2003
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